the morning aftermath

stoned

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 07:31:18 GMT

Google lies inert; a placid, motionless environ where nothing stirs. Even the air hangs still as a buried corpse, the kind of rigidity thats so strong it sends pulsing vibrations ringing through your ears. In this kind of stunning simplicity and silence it's hard to imagine anything ever changing.

The brilliance of Google is it's potential. Like a mound of wet clay or a

thus commeth..

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 08:22:26 GMT

i came back home from work tonight, it had been a rough day already, and i had a couple beers. while i was randomly listening to my itunes on shuffle i heard a song that holds certain sad connotations for me and i started crying..for the first time in at least a year and a half.

I know deep down i share much of the same psychological problems my mom suffers from. The mood swings are the only noticeable ones however. My hangup has always been that something will set me off, and once ive been set off, in either a positive or negative direction, i dont stop until ive either hit the ceiling, or ive fallen all the way to the floor, flat on my face.

Mercy Me.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 17:46:34 GMT

Its been a pretty awful July to be honest.

Its not even over, and today included, there are still 9 or 10 days left in this hellish month...but i can say with at least some degree of certainty that its been one of the ugliest months since time began. Coupled with the extreme heat and long hours at work, ive been in a pretty ugly mood as well. Dad received a bad bit of news, he has skin cancer. I talked to him on the phone briefly last week and he didnt sound in the best of spirits, I tried to cheer him up which was difficult considering im not in the best of spirits, and veiling my emotions has never been my strong suit. They've decided to abort their trip back to the states, so now it doesnt look like we'll be seeing them anytime soon. Its been almost 2? years i think since i last saw dad in the flesh, and about a year for Mum and Scotty, i miss them alot sometimes, after all, they are my family. Rosie is coming home tomorrow from London, where she's been staying with Cath and Darren and the new baby, so thats a bright spot in this bleak month. As for me, I just cant wait for July to be over, August has got to be better..

homez

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 07:12:32 GMT

Such an awful thing it is to have to return from vacation to work and school. Vacation is like a total break from reality that you wish would never end, but it does, all too soon, and before you know it, your neck deep back in the monotony and hell that is your everyday life. Not that my life is hell, its just really boring, lonely, and unfullfilling at times. I had a really really good time in nevada, it was something i desperately needed, im pretty sure its added at least a couple of years to my lifespan in fact. Being up at tahoe was awesome, i miss nevada quite strongly at times...i hate to admit it because all my friends there are always saying how dead end that place is, but i do have a strong attachment and attraction to nevada. Its something about that high desert, the beautiful sunsets, the smell of sagebrush, and the clear night skies that really pierce my heart and still leave me with a longing for home that probably wont ever disappear. Nevada is a beautiful place, i can even see the majesty in carson city on those long summer nights..its really quite special to me, even now.

another personal milestone. it was this day one year ago exactly (and to the hour), that i was hauled off to jail for the summer, one of the lowest points of my life. its amazing a year has passed since that, really amazing.

haha oh the young..

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 09:32:50 GMT

as the title tantalizingly suggests, i was reading through my journal from march 2005-april 2007. some of the journal entry's are really funny; just the things that were happening to me and how i was reacting. its amazing in hindsight, but i think i have a great strength in prediction. i can see now that i predicted to a tee almost ever telling moment in my life during those years, quite a feat!

rejuvenation

Sat, 31 May 2008 08:27:37 GMT

Ive decided, after much deliberation, to continue updating this journal. I dont think anybody checks up on it anymore, and i have been keeping a handwritten journal, as i have since i was 17, but something about being in print online satisfies my huge egomania...and thats all the really matters sometimes.

Ive been kind of up and down lately, in fact, lots of people tell me that im really moody to be around. I once had a teacher at saint marys tells me that bipolar disorder was a sign of genius. I know im not genius, so there must be something else to it.

This is the semester that nearly all my friends, my old friends at least, from my nevada life, have graduated from college and are moving into a new chapter of their lives. I always wanted to be an individual, to be my own man, and to be happy with the choices i made, but the choices ive made and didnt make frequently haunt me. I often feel like im the oldest 24 year old I know, and the youngest, if that makes sense. As everybody I once knew moves into a new era of their lives where family, marriage, and settling down are the next big things...i know that im years away from even entering that arena.

As hard as I try, I cant help but feel an acute sadness when i grapple with that reality. As content as I am right now, I cant help but feel that Ive wasted the best years of my life, my early twenties, and that it will negatively effect the rest of my life. Whether that happens or not is up to the future to decide, but the reality is that im 24, and have accomplished little to nothing of what id hoped to at this time in 2003. It doesnt really send me into a depression anymore as it once used to, but it makes me melancholy...and that still hurts. I know it'll get better at some point, i just wish i had a sign to tell me that this was the right way to go.

another road, another shot..

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 07:06:47 GMT

After i got released last month a whole slew of ideas about my future went through my head, but after much deliberation ive taken what could be considered an easy out. Im down in Santa Rosa living with my entire (and do mean ENTIRE) family. Liz and Tom and I have been browsing for houses this past week and im cautiously hopeful that we'll get set up within the next 2-3 weeks. I just started to seriously look for work today, and i registered for some starter graphic design and illustration classes at the JC which start at the end of september.

I find it funny how ive always not wanted to be around my family, extended and immediate, i guess i always took it for a sign of weakness, but i have alot more in common, and get along far better than i though with them, especially Liz. As much as Tom and I disagree on certain things, ive been through more with my brother than any other person on this earth, and even though our personalities exist at polar opposites, I never get tired of being around him. He takes alot of shit from everybody, but I know he's one of the most determined and easygoing people I know..he's not a genius, and he'll never be intellectual, but he has other compensating qualities.

Tomorrow hopefully ill find some work cuz right now ive never been so deep in the red, 900 dollars overdrawn is the most in debt to wells fargo ive ever been, and thats where im at after badly misjudging my finances when I went up to washington with snoop.

yo

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 09:43:30 GMT

Its amazing how prophetic I sound in my last journal entry. the storm absolutely exploded in my face.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 06:39:04 GMT

Regrettably, im going through some very dark times again. I spent 10 days in jail earlier this month,and ever since then ive been in a bad place that seems to only get cloudier. Lately, even on my brightest days there isnt any sun.

Ive been toiling to find a positive spin on anything I do or say, its been very difficult. When the judge extended my probation by that amount of time (a year and a half), it was like a hot iron going through my heart, my stomach dropped out, i felt like crying, because I know I wont stay out of trouble for that long, and I know ill be in their system forever; I also know that ill have to end up doing those two months in jail somewhere down the line when i fuck up again. It colors my thoughts every single fucking day, I live on pins and needles because of how scared I am of going back to jail and my probation officer...all these hoops i jump through for them, all ive had to sacrifice.

I know now that I wont ever go back to school, I cant do it, I wasnt cut out for college, and ill never get that degree ive put so much money into. That also breaks my heart, cuz it was the focus of my last four years, and now its all but gone.

So now I have to take stock of myself and admit that here I am four years out of high school, in the same town I left, having accomplished nothing except a stay in rehab down in california, a stay in the psych ward up in portland, and a stay in jail back here. im back to square one, but i get tired of saying that over and over again..because new beginnings are wearing me down.

yall

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 07:45:00 GMT

ive had a sense of nostalgia thats really crippling me lately, why is it that everything always looks good from a distance? i hate this shit. i could never live in the present.

i thought of these three strange moments of my last three years.

sitting in portland drugged out of my mind at 3am in that church doorstep downtown listening to this song on repeat. i just sat there with my backpack all night so fucked up in my mind, there was a concert next door i just talked to the kids and bums filtering out.

down at saint marys when i got pissed off on shrooms and went up into my tree in the quad. stayed up there all night on the phone and thought about shit. people tried getting me down but i stayed up there all night.

sleeping in my car two summers ago and stealing bread to eat in san francisco. i sold my portable stereo for cocaine and booze and slept on market street listening to some bum tell me about how he hated reno because of the police and bla bla bla.

this isnt a life on track.

im pretty sure i need to make an immediate change of direction.

Things just got much worse..

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 18:15:35 GMT

As you can tell from the title; as bad as things were yesterday, they have just been compounded 10 fold. i was watching tv last nite when my probation officer showed up out of the blue and demanded a piss test. I took it and failed for opiates, the line was there, but was really faint so he's sending it to the lab. When it comes back positive he's putting out a warrant for my arrest, and he said ii should just turn myself in. The 3000 dollars in bail is now gone, and im looking at 30 days in jail.

This series of events has really come up and smacked me in the face, I cant even think or see straight. All kinds of crazy things are going thru my mind, my heads completely frantic and trying to grasp onto some idea to get me out of this. If I go to jail i will lose my job, and fail all my classes this semester..theres no question this will ruin me for quite some time if it all goes down like its supposed to. Im seeing very few alternatives; Ive thought about running and not coming back to nevada, ive thought about alot of stuff. Im just seeing dead ends everywhere I look and not alot of options now.

cold days cold nights.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 18:56:29 GMT

Ive never really experienced a month like this April has been, its been a long steady slide south. Everything in my life has really slipped off course and is now sliding full speed toward some unknown end point.

The thing that disappoints me most; more than the car, more than court and my po, more than school and work...is my inability to settle myself and establish roots somewhere. I want to become solidly implanted in my life here, with my friends and my job and my house; but i cant. Ive only been on my current course since january and already i find myself gazing into the distance and setting up new plans. Perhaps my definition of happiness and success is just too overbearing to ever come to fruition, or perhaps im just not cut out for the real world. My life at present is very busy and structured, something i thought i needed desperately to get myself on track, but I hate hate hate it. I hate my daily routine and I hate doing what im doing.

this is not where i want to be, or who I want to be with.

i need some beautiful place to get lost..

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 21:38:05 GMT

As the title to this entry suggests, ive had a bad few days. It culminated last night with my car being broken into for the ten billionth time. Unfortunately, they went straight for the ipod that was sitting on the passenger seat, and then relieved me of my new digi cam. I dont know why these things seem to happen to me far more than anybody else I know, is god trying to punish me repeatedly for something? cuz if so he's doing a damn fine job.

Ive been in a funk with school lately as well, im really starting to struggle to stay afloat with all the obligations i have. I dont think I realized how demanding going to school full time and working at lowes 30-40 hours a week was going to be. paying for rent is a big stress to me, and it seems like im always worrying about money. now im almost always stressed out, and consequently usually in a pretty bad mood. i was able to balance things pretty decently thru february and most of march, but now certain things feel like they're slipping.

I came back to Nevada with the idea of enjoying my remaining college years and at the same time getting things done. At the moment nothing seems very fun, I rarely have time to go out, and it feels like im entrenched in the 9-5 lifestyle already. I like living in Reno, this situation would most likely be the same wherever I was..whether it be portland, california, or back home.

i hate to be bitching and moaning whenever i post on here, but after the whole incident at unr yesterday with my car i feel even more down then before.

i take whats given me..

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 03:51:35 GMT

Honestly, its been almost a year and a half since I took a girl out in any sort of formal situation, and i guess ive been gloomy about that. Well, this Friday im going out with a girl I met at work who ive been talking to since I started there. She seems fairly intelligent, funny, and with a good sense of style. Im a sucker for black hair so thats probably what got to me, but we seem to get along really well and that makes me hopeful. Im not sure I have a whole lot of faith left in my abilities to connect on a deeper level with girls anymore. There are a few relationships in my past, ones that should be out of my mind by now, but at times that haunt me and I remember how things always ended up.

Im ready for a serious girlfriend, i believe ive been ready for quite a while as well. I was pondering this the other night while I was out on the town with some of the guys..the fact that I really damaged myself when I was up in Portland. First the shitstorm that was my suicide attempt, and then all the following chaos that followed it. Those eight or nine months crushed my ability to communicate socially, even with people im very close with. I think since then, up until very recently, every single relationship, male and female, was hurt very badly, and began to slide into disrepair. Ive only just now begun to get some of my confidence back, and so im trying to fix these friendships, and create new ones as well. im hoping it goes well, because I dont want to lose alot of people..and I think ive become an entirely different person since january.

Just Stuff

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 21:19:35 GMT

I was having a pretty good week up until today, which has been blah at best. Money problems are really getting me down lately, much more so than before; i guess this is because when i was living at home i had about 1500 dollars a month to live on, now that number has been cut by at least two thirds, and i have so many expenses going out between court, counselling, paint, gas, food, and beer(but not much), that its tough to keep up my budget.

Ive been going to class pretty frequently, but school is going mediocre at best right now..im probably not failing anything, but I havent been able to muster the effort I know I can produce. I just seem to not be interested in any of the classes im in right now, except maybe spanish. Ive produced staggering amounts of art lately, probably more in the last two months than in the last year and a half. Ive become really interested in digital art and graphic design on the computer, and have been fooling around with half digital half hand drawn stuff. Ive been painting alot and thru my art classes have met some like minded people who join me most of the time.

Speaking of new friendships(and old ones); ive been drifting from some of my more established friends as of late. I know i dont put in the effort to make alot of these friendships as strong as I'd like them to be, whether on purpose or just out of lack of time. Blaine and I have been spreading apart a little since i moved into reno; I think secretly I still resent his not having to work or pay rent and stuff. We still hang out alot, but there seems to be less and less we have in common..so I suppose maybe it could be me, not him, who is doing the changing. Whenever Im around him shane is always there too; not that I dont like shane, but he bores the hell out of me at times.

Chris and I have become a lot closer, and I see Donel all the time now that we're neibhors..i have good relationships with megan, rory, and mandy...and we'll usually all go out together on the weekends. I see tom adams alot; blaine hates him, but i see him as harmless, not the smartest kid but nothing but good intentions. I have a few new friends from work who are a little older than I am, and a few from school that i paint and draw with, and it seems these are the people i am starting to enjoy hanging out with more. I like being able to express that left side of my brain without being subject to ridicule, and I like to be able to talk about things that im actually interested in, instead of faking it.
So that life i guess, and it continues its unrelenting push onward, whether i like it or not.

blagerdy

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 01:20:27 GMT

My god it has certainly been a long time since ive posted on here. Work is absolutely kicking my ass, I now have a set schedule Monday-Friday 5am-12pm, and then monday through friday I also have school from 12:30 until either six or seven depending on the night. Once again the three main factions of my life are at war with each other, and its a total battle of attrition. My work, school, and social lives are all trying to assert their control over each other...usually I just sit back and watch the spectacle. Work has come to the forefront yet again, with school and a social life dueling for second place. My social life at the moment is one of extreme inebriation; usually by the time friday evening rolls around im so tired of school and work that I let loose in a way not seen since my high school days. Then I suffer through two days of hangovers and do it all again come monday. ahhh...such a delicate balance i live.

back to basics

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 04:46:37 GMT

Some pretty big things are starting to happen in my life, and so I think it's only fair to catalogue it. Its hard to record your thoughts when your life's in the toilet, but at least it makes entertainment for other people, and im a very giving person. So starting tomorrow i'll get this show on the road.

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 10:53:06 GMT

I havent been sober one day this week. my p.o. is going to have me in jail in no time.

Carson City: perhaps a different direction now

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 08:43:18 GMT

A day of almost constant snow has left a nice blanket of white across everything, it marks the first time we've actually had any accumulation down in the valley thus far. The snow made work an interesting ordeal; a storm is one of those things at work that everybody complains about but secretly lusts for. The disruption caused by a frozen parking lot had just about everyone glued to the windows like children at the proverbial toy store. As luck would have it, I spent the entire blizzard outside cutting up christmas trees with a huge twenty inch chainsaw. Its a great way to spend eight hours because people buying christmas trees are always in such a fantastic mood and love to tip and give you compliments on how straight you cut the base. I made forty dollars in tips alone.

Im glad it's winter, im glad it's december, and im glad this year is coming to a close..it started on such a high, but since april or may has really begun to nosedive. Ive worked seven months fulltime at Lowes and have almost nothing to show for it; no money saved, no job security, no credits at school. It's been a very negative four months since summer ended, just a constant state of treading water..ive kept my head up long enough not to drown, but im still neck deep in it all. For those reasons, ive decided to return to my alma mater portland state and head back up to northern oregon after christmas.

It's another chapter closing and another one beginning, but I have a feeling that this next one might bring with it some stability. Ive had all the highs and all the lows in the world these past four years..but the one thing ive never had is solid footing. Ive always been racing 100 miles an hour, and whether that ended in a fiery wreck or a succesful lap..it was always too much in the end. So heres to a relaxing, fun, positive christmas break with good friends and a family returned to semi-normalcy...and then a new journey.

ROSE

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 00:48:05 GMT

The burning, tingling, sunfried feeling that you get when you're done is one of the great positives of snowboarding. Blaine and I put in a good four hours in the park today; my fourth time up this season, the pass is definately getting a good run-out. Blaine seems to be picking up a myriad of injuries already (or so he claims), but ive been feeling fairly flexable, nothing big yet and I've had some pretty solid bails. For the amount of money i've invested into riding this year im determined to be up as much as possible, injuries be damned.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 00:01:06 GMT

its been a pretty busy week, and this one looks to be even more so. I went up to rose on thursday on my day off, it was pretty solid, then i met blaine up there on friday and we boarded until i had to go to work at five down in carson. After work i met up with blaine and shane until we got thrown out of sparky's, so we went bowling with the drizzle until around one. On saturday i worked alll fucking day and then went four wheeling with jesse until he ran out of gas and wayne had to tow us out. Tomorrow i go to my po for my first meeting of december, then tomorrow i have john glen..big expenses coming up.

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 12:31:43 GMT

Lately ive been on pretty bad terms with most, if not all, of my friends. So called or not, i dont like getting treated like shit..I dont care what's happened in the past.

Carson City: more lows..

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 23:47:01 GMT

Funny that the only time I feel the need to write in here or anywhere else is when im angry, sad, or anxious. My day to day must seem pretty chaotic and hellish to outsiders, although in a big way it usually is.

Ive shuttered to a complete stop regarding any decisions I need to be making about now. I simply cant think of any positive direction in which to take, there will be times when I want to be as far away as possible from this place, florida or maine or some faroff spot I can disappear to. Exotic as it may sound it still doesnt seem like a likely option, nothing really does.

So while my brain rolls around in turmoil all day, I drink literally five nights a week, sometimes more. If I could smoke (which I cant, along with all other detectable drugs), I would be high all fucking day and all fucking week. Ive never felt the need to be in a constantly altered state of mind so badly in my short life. If im not drunk, partying, or chain smoking cigarettes like joe camel..then im thinking about it. Its starting to always be in the back of my mind, when my mind isnt preoccupied with how few options I have left.

Winding down..

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 05:44:25 GMT

Its been quite a while since I actually wrote an informative entry on here detailing what's going on these days...so I will. My time at Lowes in Carson City is coming to an end, in fact, my time in Carson City period is coming to an end. Sometime around Christmas or the new year ill be moving down to either Santa Rosa or Petaluma to live, work, and go to school. After a disasterous start to this semester, I dropped out of school..at the time I was thinking it would be for good, but Ive re-evaluated the situation and reason that if I was in a more stable living environment than school would come a hell of a lot easier (after all it did in Portland when everything had calmed down). Im hoping to spend a year at college in santa rosa and then move to berkeley on an arangment and get a degree within three years. I dont want to spend the rest of my life at Lowes or places like Lowes.

As far as court goes, my hearing was horrific and the book was quite literally shoved down my throat. Its an ugly mess right now, but by the grace of my probation officer, he is going to let me leave the state and transfer all my community service, drug counseling, drug testing, and weekly probation meetings, down to California. Not being able to smoke or drink is killing me, but fingers crossed ill find a way around the drinking part. The last time I smoked was the 9th of this month, and I guess it will be the last time I ever smoke. The last drugs I took were on the 2nd of this month: like the smoking..thats something that has to be cancelled out.

Its good im getting out of dodge; my friends have told me ive been worse lately than I was a couple summers ago, thats all the encouragment I need to move on.

nada

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 07:57:39 GMT

So now I must make the decision of whether to spend 60 days in jail or a year and a half on probation..

my lifes over